The Great Secret of Sirius Black
by Squid7000
Summary: Sirius Black has a secret and only one person knows. One-shot. Crackfic.


**The Great Secret of Sirius Black**

**A/N:** Just a little one-shot idea I had and wrote _really_ quickly.

He doesn't see me.

But I see him.

He knows nothing about me.

But I know _everything_ about him. Literally.

I know what that precious little map of his does. I know that he's an unregistered animagus. I know what shampoo, cologne, and toothpaste he uses. And I know that he has a secret. A _big _secret. Sirius Black is not the carefree, womanizing prankster everyone seems to think he is.

Brace yourself. I am about to reveal to you the deepest, darkest fear of a man's heart.

Sirius Black . . . is . . . GAY!!!!!!!

Crazy, right? Now, I have nothing against gays. I really don't. But _no one _would have guessed that Sirius Black, of all people, was gay. I mean, I would have supposed Remus Lupin _far_ before manly, gorgeous, dark . . . mysterious . . . muscular . . . um, sorry, where was I? Oh, yes. Sirius Black being gay is a big shock.

How have I come to this incredible conclusion, you ask? Well, it all started when . . . .

_I was walking behind Sirius Black, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin. Not stalking, mind you. We just all _happened_ to be on our way to the library at the same time and I just _happened_ to be tiptoeing and listening in on their conversation._

"_You going with anyone to Hogsmeade, Pad?" Peter Pettigrew asked. _

_Sirius rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you that I don't _do_ dates?"_

"_Well, you snog loads of girls."_

"_Sure, but I don't date 'em."_

So that got me thinking. Why does he snog girls, but not date them? Is it because he's secretly attracted to men and doesn't want anyone to know it? I did more research . . . .

_I lay on my bed, looking at the notes I had fished out from the rubbish bin in History of Magic. There were two sets of writing: Sirius Black's (do you honestly think I would not know his writing?), and Remus Lupin's (I knew this because I had intercepted notes between him and Sirius before)._

This week has been SO boring. I can't wait for tomorrow night,_ Sirius' writing said._

_My heart rate quickened._

Speak for yourself. _And that would be Remus._

Oh, come on, Moony! Last time was LOADS of fun!!!!

I thought it was rather painful.

_At that point I had to put the notes down._

Well? Creepy, right? Sirius and Remus obviously have a _much_ friendlier relationship than I had thought. And what was with the whole _"Speak for yourself"_ and _"I thought it was rather painful" _thing? Was Sirius forcing Remus into this when he wasn't ready? It was hard for me to believe at the time that _my_ Sirius Black ---er --- I mean --- Hogwarts' Sirius Black would do such a thing. Heh heh. Cough.

Oh, and the last contributing factor that makes me absolutely positive Sirius Black is gay is: _No straight man is that well groomed! _His hair is always perfect and --- let's just face it --- he wears _really_ tight pants. No matter how nice your legs are to look at, pants like that just should not be worn. It's a known fact.

So, obviously, there is no other option. Sirius Black is gay. End of discussion.

Now that I have you all caught up, I shall bring us to the events that are presently happening. Earlier, I slipped a note to Sirius, telling him to meet me in Moaning Myrtle's toilet. I didn't sign it of course (that could compromise the mission), but I'm sure he won't care. Even if he does, he'll act like he doesn't because if he refuses, people might begin to suspect his _true_ sexual preference. Anyways, here I am in Myrtle's lavatory, planning on confronting him.

I'm waiting patiently, humming to myself.

_Zippity-do-da, zippity-ay._

_My, oh, my, what a wonderful day._

_Plenty of sunshine, heading my ---_

Oh, goodness, the door's opening! Eeek! Sirius and I have never been alone together at a time when he actually _knew_ I was with him. This should be interesting.

Sirius Black steps in, looking like a god with his perfect, black hair, and perfect, ripped abs, and just plain perfection. I need to keep cool. This is not the first time I have been alone with him! Oh, he looks really good right now. Maybe, I should just let him snog me . . . .

No. I came here to confront Sirius Black about his so called 'secret,' and that is exactly what I plan on doing. I mustered up my best 'I'm determined' face.

Sirius smiles pleasantly at me. Wow, he's pretty.

"Hello," he says. "I don't believe we've met."

Of course, we haven't met! That's exactly the way I've wanted it! I don't say this however, just magically lock the door. He raises an eyebrow at me.

"Rather straight-forward, aren't you?"

I can't help but find this remark amusing. He called me _straight_! I giggle and he smirks.

"May I ask your name?" he asks. What does it matter if he may or may not, he just did!

"My name is of little importance at the moment."

He smiles and glides closer to me, causing butterflies to erupt in my stomach. "You're quite the focused one, aren't you?"

Well at least that's what I'm _trying_ to be! He's making it rather difficult.

I take a deep breath. "You don't have to pretend with me, you know," I say.

He hesitates, but then continues to float closer, only mildly fazed. "Pretend what?"

I duck around him. "Ok, I'm just gonna come out and say it . . . I know your secret."

Sirius stops, his back to me. Slowly, he turns around, his eyes slightly wider than normal. "What are you talking about?"

Ooooo, he's scared. Poor guy.

"I'm talking about the fact that I, singlehandedly, have figured out the Great Secret of Sirius Black."

His eyes widen again, and he takes a step back from me. "Who are you?" he breathes.

"That is neither here nor there."

He looks genuinely frightened now. Ha ha, I scare Sirius Black. That's kinda cool in a really weird way.

He doesn't say anything so I decide to continue to rant until he can come to terms with admitting it to me.

"You see," I say, beginning to pace. "It all adds up. You're always sneaking out with the boys, the map and cloak help you to never get caught, your hair is perfect ---"

"Wait a second," he interrupts. "What does my perfect hair have to do with anything?"

"Er --- what does it _not_ have to do with? I mean, it _is_ a proven fact that no straight man has hair as perfect as yours."

Sirius' jaw drop. "'_No straight man _---' Are you calling me --- are you saying I'm ---" he gulps "_gay_?"

Thank you, Captain Obvious? He clearly wasn't expecting this.

"It's ok, Sirius," I say consolingly. "You can confide in me."

"I --- I --- you --- That makes utterly no sense! Why would I even _be_ here if I was if I was gay?"

I roll my eyes. "You obviously don't want anyone to know. And, personally, I don't blame you. Imagine what your fan girls would do if they suddenly found out they will never elope with you in the Paris and have two children named Xavier and Nicole Black who have black hair and gray eyes like their father and are skilled in charms!" I cough awkwardly. "Not like I've ever _been_ a Sirius Black fan girl, or anything."

Sirius stares at me for a long time. "You're mental," he finally decides. "I don't know who you are, but you're absolutely mental."

I cross my arms, indignant. "I may be mental, but at least I'm _honest_ with myself! Unlike _you_!"

Sirius throws his hands up incredulously. "There's nothing to be honest _about_!"

"You just keep telling yourself that."

Sirius gapes at me. "I'm out of here," he mutters, magically unlocking the door and striding over to it. "I can't believe I was actually_ excited_ for this."

Suuuure. Like he was actually excited.

He strides out the door without a backward glance. I am about to call after him, but I stop myself. Let him live in his little fantasy world.

It's a bit of a shame. He's really rather good-looking, Oh, well. You win some, you lose some.

"Don't worry, Sirius Black," I whisper after his retreating form. "Your secret is safe with me.

**A/N: **So what did you think? I didn't give the girl a name or description to just give her a more "stalkerish" feel. Reviews are EXTREMELY appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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